So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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