I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
