Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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