if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You dont lie about slip and slides
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
