i always forget guys have bellybuttons
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Couch. On fire.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
