yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
