I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
