I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
