Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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