the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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