Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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