I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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