Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
