I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
