Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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