I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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