she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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