Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
