you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
