I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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