I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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