found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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