You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
