I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
