and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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