Well apparently he's into motor boating.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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