At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
