I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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