This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
