you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
