i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
