I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
