Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
