Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
