It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
