I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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