I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
