happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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