Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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