if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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