dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
