I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
