she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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