well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
