and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
