remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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