I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
