My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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