Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
