i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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