Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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