The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
