my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
