New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The beer is more important than you right now.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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