Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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